perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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