My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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