FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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