So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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