I hate your face
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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