somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
