I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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