Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
