dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
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