Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
