his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
