My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
