I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
