I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
