Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
