Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
