mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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