i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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