I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
