you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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