break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
its not stalking. its research.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
