Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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