after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I need to calm my uterus...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
