Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
