her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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