Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
His hands were made for my vagina.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize