My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
