When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
