Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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