Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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