I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
