Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
