A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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