Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
