dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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