Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
