did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
