Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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