I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
