My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
