I need to stop coming to work sober
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
