I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
