There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
