i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
