your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
