Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize