WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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