I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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