ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
