Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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