I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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