New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
