My hand turned me down
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize