I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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