I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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