my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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