I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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