Don't make out with my wife yet
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
why do cheetos always look like penises
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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