just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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