Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
