A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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