I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
accomplished twins. life is a go
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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