here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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