you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
