I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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