I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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