SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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