one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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