he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
soo... how was my night?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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