see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
